>>stripped of natural charm

So there’s this guy.
He’s a little confused about the ways of women and has taken to asking me to interpret a certain girl’s meaning, running things by me that he wants to say to her, and asking for my opinion about all manner of things pertaining to this certain female.
It cracks me up, first because I am so blunt with him, to the point of almost being mean, that one would think he would quit asking by now (unless, of course, I’m actually doing a competant job at deciphering the things she says into what she really means and he’s actually getting places with her) and secondly because while I am of the female persuasion I am quite unlike the standard “please buy me flowers and all things sparkly and spend all your time with just me and no one else” type.

I’ve never cared about expensive things, like big diamonds or $800 dollar purses. I think that the money could better be spent on other endeavors.
Like cigarettes. And gummi bears.
There are as many different ways to girls’ hearts as there are girls, but there is usually one no-fail panty-dropper, especially if you get them for absolutely no reason at all: flowers.

Now.
The type of flower depends on the girl as well. For instance, I don’t like roses. Or … what are they called? The type that looks like old lady hair? Crysanthemums. But there are some of us that love roses, that would prefer them to the much more distinguised orchid.
And then you have to decide the color.
Red? Very romantic. Yellow? Maybe too “let’s be friends.” You could always try those yellow and red ones, the ones that look a little orange?
Or you could just ask her, in some sort of roundabout way, what her favorite flower is. If you listen closely, she’ll drop a hint.
Because she’s a girl.
We may not know how to change a flat tire or what offsides really means but we’re good at dropping hints.

Maybe you’re thinking, “But flowers die! It’s the only thing you can buy that you won’t return when it starts to go brown after three days!” I know they die. This is why I can’t see spending so much money on something that will eventually be thrown away (where as cigarettes? The benefit of them will last a lifetime! You’ll have the early mouth wrinkles and the hacking up little brown pieces of your own insides forever!) I can’t explain why we like them. Because they’re pretty? Some of them smell nice? I don’t know. But nothing makes a girl happier than you walking through the door with a fist full of flowers “just because.”
I don’t know much about a lot of things.
I don’t know why we say we’re fine when we’re not fine.
I don’t know why we get that weird tinge of jealousy when we see you talking to another girl, despite how she looks.
I don’t know why we spend half an hour in the shower, why we can’t close our mouths when applying mascara, or why we spend $100 on a pair of shoes that we bitch about until we throw them away.
But trust me on the flowers.