Filed under: christianity, insightfulness, nostalgia, pictures, relationships, school
i feel lackluster today. it might be the fact that i know i have to leave things behind that i’m not particularly ready to let go of yet. despite how good i know this decision is, a part of me still maintains that i made the wrong choice. i’m not really being torn in two directions so much
as i’m doing something without the whole of my heart wanting to. i know that eventually it will lead to better things. i know that despite how the rest of my feelings that this is the best possible solution.
i don’t even know why this is such a big deal all of the sudden. i knew it would happen eventually. i just figured by the time it got here i would be okay with it all. i was always best at wishful thinking.
i really just wish i was past the part where i had to deal with any sort of negative feelings. i wish i could dive face first into being content with all of this, already saying “have a good summer – i’ll definately visit!” that’s not how it’s gonna go, though. ecclesiastes 3 says that there is a season for everything. everything.
being born and dying;
planting and uprooting;
killing and healing;
tearing down and rebuilding;
weeping and laughing;
mourning and dancing;
scattering stones and gathering stones;
embracing and refraining;
searching and giving up;
keeping and throwing away;
tearing and mending;
silence and speaking;
loving and hating;
war and peace.
i shouldn’t expect to be happy without being sad. i shouldn’t expect to mourn without dancing. the daylight always follows the nighttime – every season comes and goes according to the progression God has intended. the good never comes without the bad. i just need to ride out the storm and know that everything will be okay.
right?
(more…)
“i love eric, and i can say that because i am he.”
“hey! that kid’s in my religon class!”
sam (to me): you have such a sunny disposition.
ren: it’s called being crazy.
“hey there. you’ve been sitting in that spot for an hour. you must be
talking to some pretty special friend on the phone there.”
“yes, he is.”
“oh, i get it. HE. you went from this *holds hands out in front of him sort of apart* to this *crosses arms a little* in like three seconds. *does weird hand motion again*”
“sorry. better luck next time. have a good night.”
i am currently eating a blueberry bagel.
it is 5:54 a.m.
tonight i went to eric’s graduation party.
i only knew sam, eric, matt, and daniel out of like 5837 people.
then liz & joe & ren & drew & shakedown came
and made it loads of fun.
girls are mostly slutty, and boys are mostly horny.
that made me not want to be there.
dear you;
thank you for talking to me tonight for one hour,
19 minutes, and a few seconds. thank you for
being amazing. thank you for bearing with me.
thank you for fighting sleepiness to listen to
me ramble about God, chips, and the months
of the year. and about how i’ll never get married.
i’m sure that was a fun one to sit through.
my bagel is gone and that means it’s time to go to sleep.
it is currently 6:08 a.m. and i want to go to oregon.
donations are being accepted for that fund from now
until i die. checks can be made payable to denise neal.
thank you.
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we’ll see how it goes.
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“bradley told me to give you a hug from him.”
“aw. i miss him.”
“he was pretty sad that you weren’t there to tell him goodbye. he said that he wanted one last hug from the best hugger he knew.”
“AWW. i miss him.”
*later*
“bradley told me to give you a hug from him.”
“he told liz, too. she gave me one from him this afternoon.”
“did she? well here’s another one.”
“aw. i miss him.”
“denise, i think you get too attatched to people.”
“perhaps. i think i was attatched to his hugs because he was a good hugger.”
“i think you get attatched to people easily.”
“eh.”
“you don’t think so?”
“all things are possible, i guess.”
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Blog Stats
There are currently 93 posts, 4 pages and 88 comments, contained within 16 categories.
I have had my blog for a month and three days and have already made 93 posts.
I’m basically on a roll.
yesterday i tried to give blood but i couldn’t because i have rolling veins. for my heroic efforts, i got a t-shirt and hole in my arm.
i have to do my sermon for the funeral today.
i was going to post it, but then i decided against it. it’s not the sort of thing i want to share with just anyone, you know?
nothing can prepare me for this. it’s just something i have to do.
i’ve never seen a pretty girl look so tough, baby
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time has a way of catching up with you.
i am in no way prepared for rest of my life.
“i have brought you here. what you need is already in you.”
i hope with everything i am that it’s true.
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3rd floor destino
8 p.m.
it should be interesting
“can i get an A in the class?”
“sure.”
“can i get an A in all three classes? i mean, i know i don’t
ever hand in my work but i’m there in spirit. i feel you. you know?”
“i know, denise. you’re one of my favorite students. don’t worry.”
on our drive tonight, joe and liz and i listened to pitbull and
i remembered why i used to like that particular genre so much.
often i get tired of listening to guys talking about
poppin’ niggas and fuckin’ hoes, but sometimes there’s
a deep necessity to hear metered monologue about gang bangs and drive bys
over repetitive bass lines and synthesizers that play the same three notes for
no less than three minutes.
it’s glorious.
it’s brilliant.
it’s rap.
my favorite rapper is ludacris, because his lyrics are funny (the ho song? come on now) and also because he was in the movie crash.
chingy is good, and eminem reminds me of high school. nelly makes me think of all the summer night we spent in dancing in orlando. lil wayne, big tymers (which i can thank steven strong for), and lil john (i love the way he sounds like a barking dog. it’s such a turn on) are favorites as well. plus the yin-yang twins. i’m honestly surprised that i’m able to recall this many rappers when it’s the music i listen to least (minus metal and techno, which i have no real aversion to, i just can’t find any artists that i like).
my exposure to rap that isn’t mainstream is very limited, but i have (on occasion)
been known to blast 102 jamz to branch out to my musical listenings. o yeah.
and i also saw dmx at six flags in georgia.
what a random tangent.
no idea where it came from.
i’m bustin’ outta this bitch, niggas.
(i cannot speak ebonics for the life of me. i always sound so ridiculous. could it be because i’m white? most likely. but that’s a whole other entry entirely.)
p.s. today was ren’s birthday, and i sang her “happy birthday”
in my sexy marilyn monroe voice. after i got through,
she said “so when do i get the lapdance to go with it?”
soon ren. very soon.
yesterday joe, liz, vickie, austin, rose, and i went to disney world.
i had a wonderful time. it was amazing.
i will post pictures.
scroll over them to see the caption.
horray!
(more…)
my brother sent me a link to ian’s myspace.
then i read the blog that robert posted about ian.
it was very touching and made me cry, and then i read the
last night and went “HA HA!”
“Had I known that would be our last ride, I wouldn’t have made you listen to that hardcore gangster crap you hate so much.”
today is going to be full of all of the work i’ve been putting off for the last month.
papers and sermons, mostly, with a few lesson plans and a project. and some studying for my integrating faith & theory final.
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what the fuck.
i don’t know how much more of this i can take.
ETA of huge nervous crying screaming breakdown: 5 hours, give or take 4 hours and 45 minutes
edit: this is a news article about what happend. there’s a picture of the car and i saw it and started crying again. this is just… gosh.
ian, robert, and my brother garrett were like the three musketeers. they played little league together and when they got to high school, they were the top three golfers. they were constantly over, eating all of our food and being boys. robert’s in the hospital now. no one really knows other than what the paper said.
i cannot go through this again. it feels like i just got over spike’s death – now i have to go through the whole process over again. i don’t want to. i’m putting my foot down.
my attitude about this is one of anger and frustration. when i hung up this phone with garrett this morning, i screamed “FUUUUUCK” and went into the bathroom and cried and then came back into my room and threw things and screamed “fuck” some more. then liz came in and i told her what was going on. “first my dad’s best friend, then my brother’s. i wonder who’s is next: mine, or my moms?” in a real sarcastic and snippy tone of voice.
this is different from spike’s death because spike had cancer. we were all prepared for it. ian’s took us all by surprise. i hate that i’m learning how to grieve in such a different situation so soon.
please save the whole “god won’t give you anything you can’t handle” speech. i’ve already gotten it.
i saw kevin in the lunch room today and we looked at each other and hugged for a while. it’s nice to be around someone else who is affected by this, sort of. kevin understands. he told me that he cried, too. obviously i looked like crap. what can you do?
people just need to quit dying. that’s that.
for my integrating faith & theory class, our final paper was to write a personal theology (what we believe) about God, creation, Jesus, His revelation to us, church, etc. here is my finished product. the bolded verses serve as transitions between topics and are related to the paragraphs below them.
warning: it’s long.
(more…)
Filed under: pictures
tonight i have to write a paper.
i am feeling more up to the task now, but the reasons behind that revelation will come in the entry that follows this.
earlier tonight i was feeling unmotivated and stir-crazy.
you know what happens when i feel unmotivated and stir-crazy?
i take pictures.
of stupid crap.
hover the pictures to see captions.
have a blast.
